Individualism.

My mind is a waterfall rushing with thoughts and sometimes I can't stop wondering why. 

I can't live peacefully knowing I have been convinced to be the person I am because of peer pressure. To be someone made up, to be someone fake and cloned. I want to be me, and simply that. The choices I make are mine, and the path I have chosen is because I have a vision and feel as if I know my own passion the greatest. 

I'm a very personal person who takes a lot to heart. Friendships are important to me, and even more so loyalty. Honesty and trust are what creates lasting friendships and bonds in my opinion. When I have a friend who is down, I'm down. I care too much most times, which is a good and bad thing. 

Time and time again I see people try and change for a person. Change for a relationship, change and not be happy. Let someone fall in love with the person you are, not the person you have created. You can run laps upon laps and degrade yourself before you feel loved. 

I think of the person I want to be, I see the flaws I posses and work at polishing them to make a better me. I think a lot. I usually never type it out though, I usually just sit and think staring at the lake, the ceiling, or whatever is around me. I need to be outside in order to feel free sometimes, ok most times. 

There are so many things we cannot change. We cannot change the life choices someone is choosing, we can only be there for them and try and help.

I guess my point of this post is to simply inspire people to be who they really want to be. Don't be nervous or afraid of what people are going to think. At the end of the day you need to be happy in your shoes. You walk in those shoes everyday, make them your own. When we open our mind to accepting other people our hearts fill up so quickly. We become understanding and we become more than just stagnant bodies. 

So look up, don't look down. 
Tomorrow will be what you make it.
You can make it better everyday. However, you need to start now rather than later.

Flaws

Without flaws we would not be humans. Without flaws we would not feel either. Flaws are ok. You are ok. 

It's hard to wrap my mind around the concept of a flawless world. A bunch of robots roaming the world with the same exact talents. We would all be the same. 

Some people are raised to burry their flaws and act like all is well. Others wear their flaws on their sleeve. I persoanally acknowledge my flaws and see them as learning opportunity. I was also born with a flaw of complete awkwardness, it's kinda neat, however at times I feel like the only one who understands what I'm doing. 

Embrace your flaws. 

"I don't have time to live my life."

Today as I was leaving Starbucks after a little studying, I noticed a girl very flustered walking with her head down as she had just ended a phone call with, "I don't have time to live my life." As I was packing up my backpack I heard her grumble a few choice words under her breath and sit down behind me.

Typically, I would have kept to myself and let the person pout about and make their day what they wanted of it. However, I knew this wasn't the time to just walk away. I've been in a place where I've been overwhelmed, where I've felt pressure to succeed. . I initially asked if all as well, and she responded with frustration due to her family pressuring her into nursing school because of tradition. She hated it, and couldn't ever do what she wanted to. This explained the phone call. So I lent a bit of advice to her before heading on my way

Living YOUR life is the only thing you have in this life. Many things are determined for you, however you choose the direction of where you want to go at the end of the day. Choosing the direction you go, is living your life. Society and our family may plant ideas and thoughts in our minds, however you really chose. If you aren't happy with what you are doing, society is controlling you in my opinion. You need to be an individual and you need to find your passion. Finding your passion is the best, and the only way to live your life. Once you find it you will know. Until then, take your time and find yourself, find who you want to be. 

Tears flowed down her face and she broke my personal boundaries with an awkward hug. I apologized for making her cry, and she told me it was what she needed to hear to grow in her confidence. I knew that I made her day when I walked away, and the smile on my face proved it. It's amazing how a simple 5 minutes can potentially change someone's life. 

You can be so much more with your confidence and character.

Our confidence and character build up our beauty, not just our appearance. So much more than money and clothes build who we are.

What am I good for? What do you want from me? Am I liked by him or her? Are they looking at me different? Should I change?

The questions some ask their selves out of doubt can withhold your true beauty. With confidence and your true character you build the happiest world for yourself. You build what makes you happy, and in turn what will truly make someone happy in the future. Don't change to be accepted or settle for being a person that isn't the true you.

Be you. Do you. Get happy.

Unacceptable Society

Everything I've thought about today has stemmed from this exact thought I had impulsively tweeted as I was irritated. Fed up with the frustration of negativity and sorrow being spoon fed to our youth.

@jnll: Acknowledging the unchangeable reality of what our society has become is agonizing. I cannot accept the unacceptable state we are in.

You can only fit so many characters into a tweet so I have more for you to filter and take in.

There is a pain I get from looking at my childhood compared to any childhood the current youth will have. We cannot stop the growing society we live in. We cannot stop technology, modern development, and we cannot stop the development of our ever changing world.

What this all comes down to for me personally is technology. My parents and grandparents didn't like the fact that I had a tape recorder as a kid and I would tape songs on the radio to listen to. Now, mom has a smartphone and laptop and grandma has an iPad and changed from a land line phone to a cell phone. Jobs have changed, bills have changed, and our technology has just grown rapidly. There was a time where my mom had checks only and no debit card, I thought that was normal and the responsible way to finance your money. Now 18 year olds are maxing out credit cards and will never know what a paper check is..unless they get a refund from a bill or the state. When I was a kid I painted our shed in the backyard a different color almost everyday. My dad being a painter didn't mind because it was left over paint from odd jobs, and I was free by myself, safe. I took walks in the woods, I made forts that had passwords to them with neighbors, and I had the imagination of a wizard.

Outdoor professionals are leading groups of kids out into what my childhood was. People are paying for what I see as freedom. Exploring is free, where and when you get there may cost you and a professional is required when there is a lack of experience but I am still baffled. I find the concept of sending my child out with an organization to learn skills very educating, however my parents did this with me and it made us closer and we share a bond with the outdoors and our family now. It is all how you are raised, and I understand demographics vary.

What it comes down to is our choices. It is our choice to either let technology engulf us in its flame, or let it help us for the better life we can have. Do not become dependent on it, remember to enjoy the nature and all it's beauty we have been gifted, and most of all share your knowledge. Sharing knowledge is so much more personal and better than telling a friend you learned it or saw it on the Internet.

Fighting to make it in this world through music.

Music has such an influence on our mindset and views. We can fight it all we want, but at the end of the day it does indeed inspire us to do the big and small things we do in our day to day lives. 

https://www.facebook.com/conditionsband/posts/10151634797580546

What upsets me the most is when amazing, talented, and kindhearted people like Conditions have trouble making it in the real world. The fact that they are not well known and a number one band is bittersweet. I know they have what it takes to be number one, however I feel as if not all fans would appreciate them as much as I do. Their music speaks the truth and refreshes my mind when I'm feeling lost. 

It is awful to see them have issues with going on tour because of financial reasons, and it reminds me that I am not the only one who has to make choices financially. I have a great respect for them, and they should be millionaires in my eyes. They should be paid due to their inspiration and due to their ability to speak the truth through their positive lyrics. There are hundreds of kindhearted bands and musicians out there that are struggling just like us, and that troubles my mind. Support singer/songwriters and grow an appreciation for their true love of music, it's not all about the media and Hollywood fame. It sure would be nice I'm sure of, but speaking to youth and society about troublesome issues and facts overpowers all and wins in my eyes. 

What do you value?

Our basic human want to feel beautiful and wanted are being tossed aside for the present feeling of acceptance, not even thinking of the future at all. Society is changing before our eyes. I feel like the minority when I look around and see the lack of values and the lack of care our society has for each other. Respect for a woman, respect in boundaries, respect in a relationship. RESPECT in general.

I think about alcohol a lot, I think of how it's crumbled my own personal world. I grew up around too much, I grew up where I would never put my own children. As adults we are entitled to relax, but where does the level reach excess? Do you have children? Responsibilities  A job? Because of my personal experiences I wish there were not a single drop of alcohol on this planet. It's ruined my family, and has brought many tears to my eyes. People do awful things when they drink, and say awful things they may not mean.

I've never felt the need to do what the cool kids did in order to fit in. Go out and party, do drugs, and sleep with whoever the wind blows your way. I've switched schools, I've been through the cycle. I have been a loner, and I have been surrounded by friends. My values never changed, always staying the same. I still have this value that many lack, I still stick to it, and it sets me apart.

I just wish society would see the beauty in who they could really be, rather than rip apart their beauty for the present feeling of acceptance.

Giving.

A simple trip to Walmart transformed my day. It was raining out and I was in a hurry, so I parked my truck all the way at the back of the lot and ran for it. As I ran toward the doors I worried about my shoes getting wet so I skipped through every possible puddle as fast as I could. I was there to pick up three specific things, oreos, bread, and I needed to print some pictures. I only had $10 to spend so it was in and out. What a silly trip to the store right? The pictures were the main reason, I needed them for tonight.

As I walked into the store I saw a man asking for pop cans near the bottle return. He assured everyone that he just needed money for some food, as he was hungry and stated that he was homeless. My timing was perfect, I caught the entire encounter. There were three people returning cans, and no one replied to him. I caught his glance for a brief moment and then went in route to the photo department as I reminded myself I had a time limit.. I only printed five pictures, but during that entire ten minutes I sat there thinking of the blank stares the man had gotten. It upset me.

Three things. Pictures, oreos, and bread. I had the pictures done and contemplated the rest. Did I need a $3 package of oreos or a $4 loaf of multigrain bread? I thought to myself, I only have $10 to spend. I put down the oreos and the bread. I went over to the deli and bought what I could for the man instead. Chicken strips, mac and cheese, and mashed potatoes. In that moment I didn't think of myself, I thought of this man. This man I didn't even know. He was hungry, and I trusted that. As I checked out I realized I had spent everything but .79 of the $10. Wow. Perfect.

I knew he would still be there, I just knew. As I walked up to him I was scared. I knew I wanted to help him, but this was something I had never done before. My grandmother would yell "STRANGER DANGER!" if she could see me now. I simply told him I had seen how the people at the bottle return had treated him, and I was concerned that he wouldn't have dinner tonight. His eyes started to tear up and I began to worry I had offended him. I stopped talking. He looked at me and said, "Thank you so much. You are an angel. I haven't seen kindness like yours in weeks." He then hugged me, which was extremely awkward as we were standing in the exit area. I assured him things would get better, he just needed to take it a day at time and find his passion in life. Wishing him a good evening I then left.

I walked the long stretch of parking lot to my truck, I didn't run. The entire time I had this grin on face, yet it was mixed with sadness. I didn't worry about my shoes getting wet, or how I was in a crunch for time. There were just a few tears that ran down my cheek when I drove away. Tears of gratefulness non the less.  I never thought a trip to the store alone in a crunch for time could deliver so much.

Everyday War.

He's still battling his disease,
the constant fight with the bottle.

It pains my heart to see,
bringing tears down my cheeks.

Wanting to take care of my father at twenty-two.
It's something I never envisioned, or should have to do.

Music. Visions.

Lately I find myself rushing through homework and other things I need to complete in my day so I can sit down and write music. I honestly have no idea as to what I'm going with my guitar at this point, but I have all the words to sing. It's hard to explain the feeling I feel when I write. It's almost like the excitement of making a smore to a child.

I'm quiet about what I write. It's not quietness out of fear of judgement. When I write its about everything, its never just about me. I do have a fear, a fear of writing selfishly  I never want to write for myself, I want to write for others. I want to turn their stories into songs and make them smile, make them happy again when they may be sad, inspire them, and show them their worth.

I read For The Sender, a book about a songwriter who did just this. The impact he had on those who sent him stories was astonishing. He inspired me to be just that, astonishing. 

One day I will learn exactly how to play guitar and the combination of my voice and the chords will be heavenly. I will gain that confidence to play for other people, not for myself. See, we always wait for the "someday," and thats what holds us back. Searching for our place in this world with too much effort can hinder us. It will take you twice as long to find who you are if you are altering yourself for others. Be you, no one else.

With My Own Two Hands

Ben Harper and Jack Johnson have been two of my favorite men for quite some time. The way they can capture a song and it's meaning is truly astonishing to me. This is why I think posting about this song and it's meaning to me is needed.

In a brief moment of studying this song came on and it hit me. I have listened to this song hundreds of times over the course of the many years I have known of it. And until now, I haven't really thought this deeply upon it. I've know it is great and about helping others, however in moments like now I appreciate this so much more.It may be the course my life is taking, or it may be me being over-analytical. Either way, the realization touched my heart.

Day to day we hear others complain about things they dislike. We are guilty of giving in and doing the same as well. Every dog has their days. If we sit in the pitty and sit in the problems that irritate us, we are only making it worse. We are only making it a darker place for generations to come. With your own two hands you can help mend what is broken. At first I thought, jeeeesh I can't fix the worlds problems, I can't make everything ok and better by myself. And I was right, I can't. BUT, when you all work together and have a brighter outlook on things we in fact can help.

Kinder Place
Peace on Earth
Clean up the Earth
Reach Out
Brighter Place
Safer Place
Help the Human Race

Use your own two hands. It is truly a give and take world. It cannot just be one way. Do it positively and live for more than yourself. Step outside of the stereotypical selfish world we are often caught in. You got this!

Here We Go

What am I doing? What are you doing?
I started blogging in August and I was doing it to get my feelings and thoughts out. It was an unorganized place of my thoughts and worries. It was not what I wanted my blog to be. So here we go, I have started over and want to create a new set of stories and show the world (whoever takes the time to read this) how I feel. How I feel about the world, society, my generation, my family, marriage, equality, women's rights, the list has endless possibilities as my mind is on a search to better understand the world and why we are continuously trying to fit in.

Fitting in.
This is the perfect part for me to start. I admit it, there was a time when I was not an individual. A time when I was caught up in high school, just hoping to survive. Just wanting to fit in and be accepted. When I found things like painting, singing, theater  yearbook, and student government, it really started to shape me. I was doing it for me. I was completely ok with being the weird girl in theater class, because it was where I was comfortable. It was home.

College is the one place where I have a hard time understanding why people try so hard to fit in. They try so hard to monopolize their group of friends from day one. That's not what it's about. It's about building a support group, finding friends who love you for who you. I have a ridiculous example that you will love. I was taking an Outdoor Living Skills class this past fall. We learned about acorn harvesting. Yes, acorns. It's ridiculous, and funny. When I sent out a mass text to my friends in the residence hall asking if there were any oak trees around them I knew they would find it hilarious. They would find it funny, but know it was me. It was something I was interested in however crazy it may be. I didn't have to fear someone telling me I couldn't wear pink on Friday's. My friends call me weird and awkward all the time, and I'm fine with that. Because I know I am. I am so awkward, and can make any situation weird if given a slightest chance. Don't try to learn something because you think someone else will like you for it. Don't change for anyone, because once they get comfortable with the "fake and molded" person you have become, you will never be able to truly be yourself. Wear the clothes you like, and don't worry about what other people think, it's your body and your style.

What I'm trying to say is simply this, surround yourself and remain close to only those who you feel connected with and those who accept you for you. Building a ridiculously huge group of friends will make you lonely at the end of the day. Social structure is important, but at the end of the day it's all about "I've got your back, and I know you've got mine."

Here is your challenge:  Be you. All day. Every minute. Show how you truly feel, and you will have no regrets. If you want to be a punk, do it. Do you. I'm going to do me.